my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
