now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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