Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My balls are so social today.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
