just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
