Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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