her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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