I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
