Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
BRING THE BAGELS
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
