I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
