He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
