ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
