You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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