The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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