Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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