new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
