After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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