At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
