I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He felt like a one man threesome
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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