Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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