So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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