You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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