and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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