My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have already put on my inside pants.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
