I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
