I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize