i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
