Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
