Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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