This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
