I bet he comes in French.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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