i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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