last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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