bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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