I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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