I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
