the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
