The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
