My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
