life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
