It was confusing and full of hummus
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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