No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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