genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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