We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
