My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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