My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
