So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
