No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
