my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
