i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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