I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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