oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
