I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
