Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
