Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
