oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
