I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
