dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no you cant smoke seaweed
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
