I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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