life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
