yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
