So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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